Rolls of Autumn:Lisee Mortell

my space. i need to breathe again

Thursday, February 2

blogger is crap. this was meant to be wed's entry but somehow it didnt show up.

1/2/06,wednesday

blogger is so screwed. rraahhh! rubbish. cant even privatise any post. here i am, having wasted an hour trying to priv. it.

skl's fun (w/o lessons). everythg's fun. the party sure was fun. 'cello' nearly stole the last breath out of me . half the time i was hiding behind the pillow screaming. and i promise. no more horror movies if not i'll stifle under my own trembling. and i got mentally exhausted aft the show. we all pigg-ed out. AGAIN. all the laughter and crapping and getting high is fun. but im just not in a mood to do anythg. let alone, paying attention in cls or reading the huge stack of notes.

(this has nth to do with skl) sometimes ppl do thgs that unintentionally hurt others by a slip of the tongue, or by actions. sometimes ppl get too caught up in their own world not being aware of the feelings of their friends around them. its sth i observe happening very often. sometimes it happens somewhere where u just cant imagine, around ppl who seem the most unlikely to do. treating some ppl around them like non-existent. i noe it/those werent intentional and thats y i hate being sensitive . RROOOAARRR.... cos first. you notice the small little stuff and get all teary, emotional , upset abt them. second, you care too much abt how others feel? and this gets very stressful at times.

i really wonder.. being able to feel(emotionally) is what make us humans different fm animals. we can feel, we can think, we can process info not like any other creatures on earth. but sometimes, aint it beta not to have this ability to feel?

I call out for a moment
I hear a sound at last
No it's not my future
It's sadness of my past

Close my eyes in sorrow
I never see a light
Only miles of darkness
It fills me with such fright

I wonder who will find me
All filled with so much fear
The footsteps that I treasured
They seemed to disappear

Now there is no music
When I open up a door
There is only ignorance
A place you can't explore

Now I hear a footstep
It's coming close to me
I tilt my head to heaven
It's Jesus that I see

He picks me up and holds me
He tells me I'm the best
I feel so very special
My head against His chest

He tells me I'm worthwhile
I have a place to go
Within His gentle beauty
His smile just makes me glow

I found my biggest treasure
I put my faith in Him
I know He can be trusted
His Light is never dim

Some days I may feel lonely
A tear or two will fall
Forever I will feel His peace
His footsteps I'll recall.

im so grateful for having the Lord. this is the best thing abt having a heart that can feel, a brain that can think. thank you Lord. im so happy my God's a great God who is ALWAYS there for me. i know i can count on Him, more than a friend, more than anythg/anyone else on this planet. He is my Abba Father. i want to know Him more. love Him more. thirst for Him like nv before. im so glad He has begun to place in me, a heart that longs so much more for Him. for Him. and not His blessings. Hallelujah! each day's getting better. positive.

lastly, i need a breather. i need to breathe. give me some personal space. a space i call my own. i need my own freedom. let me lead my life. even every breath i take is constrained. pause it. period. i wanna express myself freely(not in a bad/vougar way etc). i just need space. end of story.

(6:11:00 PM)