Rolls of Autumn:Lisee Mortell

Saturday, May 5

after a month of procrastinating blogging, i realised that i've just got to get down to it again, before i get a fatal choke due to the bottomless pit of feelings within me that i need and want to express. it has been the longest time in "felicia's history" that i've ever blogged. don't even know where to start off now, because a million events have simply came and passed, and i've never gotten to truely embrace those which came before they went.

easter, benny hinns choir ministry, the whole lot of never-ending events and sagas in school, Family Day, etc etc.

not keeping track of my life just hasnt been the best thing to do. i dont know how i'm gonna compare the person i am today, with who i was at the start of the year, to see if i've grown and changed in any way.

trials and tribulations, challenges and tests came, just as expected. this time in different degrees, and different forms that have never been before. put to the tests, were my personal standards and the standards i have with God. many times, i failed. there were times, they were compromised. times when i dont even know what and how i did.

one of the most tiring of all this year, is holding on to God. passion and fire seem like as if they were smoked out by the outpouring of an ocean upon them. crawling thru in search for that first love, finding a part of it back, then losing it again. knowing who God is, yet not knowing Him, who is my Father. needing the strength to pass the tests, yet not knowing how to press in for it. needing to pray, prayed, yet not in my undivided attention , totally yielded and submitted under His Lordship. wanting and needing to crucify the flesh, yet time and again going against His commandments, then in His presence cry out for His forgiveness however not ending with a contrite and consecrated spirit. i do not want to take His mercy and grace for granted, so i told Him that i'm gonna live in and by the Holy Spirit and not by this flesh, but when the time for the tests came, i yielded to the temptations of the flesh again without being fully conscientious of my wrongdoings. upon coming to realisation of my defeat with the flesh, tears flowed uncontrollably. i was so disappointed with myself for letting God down again, and i didnt know how to even utter those words - " Lord please forgive me." i didnt know how to because i know that one must truely repent from his old ways after seeking forgiveness, but mine was a temporary turning away from the old ways.

despite it all...

BUT GOD saved the day. BUT GOD was and is still the same God He was yesterday. it's His unfailing love, and unconditional acceptance that i touches the deepest of the deepest in my spirit . it's His grace that makes me want to turn from my old ways so badly. as i'm typing, tears are welling up in my eyes. wanting to bite my lips, grind the teeth, fight through all the temptations of this world, and not sin, my spirit and heart fights for it. if Jesus can do it, i can do it with the Holy Spirit. definitely there will be times when we'll fall short of His glory and we'll fall short of the strength to fight on, but ps 15:4- he who swears through his own hurt and not change. is the one who will dwell in the secret place of the Lord, and be kept in His sanctuary. when the enemy comes, we must raise our standards against him in order for him to depart.

all's said and is easy to say. but i for the time when all's done.

came back from class adventure camp yesterday, and boy, i must say that i've never been challenged as much before in the countless number of camps ive been to previously, including OBS, to step out of my comfort zone like this;mustering all the courage i have for the height elements which sent down bolts of lighting-like chills down my spine when im up there, crossing those ropes and swaying logs, climbing up the 4-storey high zip-line and stepping off the ledge as if giving away my life on this earth. the night walk in the jungle/forest with all the steep slopes and mud and trees and gravels and bricks was one of the most scary ones. it felt like a blind man being thrown into a sea full of sharks. i did it with ben, and i've never seen a more petrified person before. ben was a 1000X more afraid than me, and he was grabbing on to my arm, so tightly that i felt blood bursting out of my veins. all the ghost stories we heard in the dark just before the walk definitely increased our fear-o-meter from a reading of 30 to 100, a fear which ive never felt before in my life. it's so stupid. i dont know why i was so afraid knowign that i have God. to me, the walk wasnt just a test of how brave i was. it was a test of my faith in God that nothing's gonna happen to me, and that i'm not gonna encounter and see anything that i dont want to. i totally flopped that test of faith. BUT, looking back, i know that God's strength was with me.despite my own fears, i had to handle the fear that ben had which penetrated and smashed through any hope there was in the atmosphere. i was trying to sing praise and worship songs , with my heart beating at 1000kbps.

next day(yesterday) the 12km, ~5hr hike we did back to school from dairy farm campsite, crossing the muddy streams, braving through the trecherous roads in the jungle (i promise ive never seen more rocky, unstable, slippery path in my life. the amount of debri around was horrendous) and sacrificing our shoes in the dirtiest of dirtiest situations was a 2nd huge trial. it stretched all of us to the limits. for me it pushed me beyond my capacity. many times i wanted to give up. struggling through all the steep ups and downs in the jungle, made extremely much worse with the huge gravels which practically covered every step of the way, would have seemeed impossible to a normal human being. stms life is just like that. it's tough and we've just gotta keep going on.

i emerged from the camp feeling that i can take on the world seriously. after the hike back to school, after doing all the height elements and night walk etc, despite the tiredness in the spirit, this overflowing joy burst out of me knowing that ive accomplished all these. i dont know how i did it. i dont know what propelled me to move when i wanted to give up. but i think God is the answer, He saw me through it. after this camp, i seriously belive that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. really.

i thank God for 3L! 3L rocks! I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!!! XD everyone is so encouraging, and that's something that pushed me through all the tough situations also. the camp bonded us as one. it helped us discover the love that we can have for one another. it helped us to discover how so many people with different personalities can still be united as one ;D

when i was reading the bible yesterday, finally, for the longest time- a Rhema word from heaven came-Luke 10:19 Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you. 20 Nevertheless do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rather rejoice because your names are written in heaven.”

i was speechless when i read this verse. i can never be more assured. God knew how afraid i was when i was doing the night walk, and this verse totally spoke to the fear i had.

then later God reminded me of the undivided attention that He seeks.

40 But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.”
41 And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. 42 But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”

it's been the longest wait to hear from my Father in heaven.

He spoke again.

(1:43:00 PM)